Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I still have a little drunk in my system
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Randomize
