I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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