he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Randomize
