it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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