I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Randomize
