just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize