When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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