How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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