her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
