The maid of honor just puked.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
there's paper in my vomit.
thus making me awesome and them whores
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
