I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
