Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
