I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
