The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
