She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
