I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
