and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
