Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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