He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
