Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
