I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
