sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
