We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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