trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Someone signed my nipple.
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