My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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