every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
