My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
