Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Randomize
