I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
bring money and cleavage
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
