There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
