dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
Randomize
