everyone is single if you try hard enough
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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