New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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