Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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