How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
