Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
