youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
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