Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
