fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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