you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
