3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Two words: nipple clamps
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