My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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