drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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