I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
