We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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