It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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