We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
Randomize
