I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
This is my gift to your gina
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
