So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
