I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
