if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
