And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
