im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
My underwear smells like fireworks.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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