Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize