She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
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