she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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