Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Randomize
