Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
