I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Randomize
