I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
