I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
