I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
