How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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