I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Randomize
